Declaration Of War

You know what I just can't get enough of? Those incredibly witty Citi Bank commercials where they tout their identity theft “solutions”. You know the ones I am talking about. There are somewhere between 2 and 197 of these things, I can't really tell because they are all identical. They have a male or female sitting there with their mouth moving, but the voice coming out is from someone of the opposite gender. They are sitting at home talking about all of the stuff they bought with their stolen credit card. How clever! Now excuse me while I go stare at my Drinking Bird toy for 3 hours.
Now I only watch a few shows on television and I see these dumb ass commercials about 72 times a day. This means that either Citi is selectively targeting me by advertising only during World Poker Tour, Jeopardy, and syndicated Seinfeld episodes, or that they are saturating television with these insidious ads. Never one to tolerate people regurgitating the same crap over and over and trying to cram it down my throat (I never realized how similar ad agencies and Hollywood studios are before) I think it is time to do something about them. So I am now declaring the war on Dell advertising officially over (with a resounding victory on my part) and am declaring a new war on Citi and their identity theft solutions garbage.
Actually to be honest I think the first time or two I saw the ad I thought it was ok. Neat gimmick, next. But then times 3-109,875 I began to become a little sick of them. Times 109,876-1,254,698,743 of viewing these commercials had me wishing I could blow up the ad agency responsible for this torture. And then the other day I realized that the ads have one fatal flaw. Who gives a fuck about identity theft? I have had crap bought on stolen credit cards numerous times, and you know how much it cost me? $0. The credit card companies have to pay for this stuff. It’s the law. I think they are allowed to charge you some small amount, like $25 or something, but if they are none of them do. You call them, tell them it was a fraudulent charge, and they erase it. So if some trailer trash runs up my Visa bill who cares? In effect this service is only extra hassle for me, since every time I do buy something out of the ordinary they are going to red flag it, reject the purchase, and call me, wasting my valuable time. All to save themselves money, not me, since they are the ones who were going to end up holding the bill (literally) anyway.
So in effect what they are doing is running a blitzkrieg advertising campaign telling people that if you use their stupid credit cards and buy something unusual you are going to get hassled by good old Citi Bank over it. But have no fear, if someone steals your card and goes on a shopping spree with Citi Bank’s money they will give you a call and let you know about it. I am not sure what would be more annoying, seeing 572 commercials that are all variants of the same annoying concept, or having some dumb ass computer system reject my dumb ass card just because I decided to go buy some dumb ass antiques for the first time in my life and having to deal with some dumb ass 16 year old call center employee on the phone calling me to tell me that they stopped someone from stealing my identity. So for those reasons I am declaring war, and this time I will not settle for simply vanquishing my enemy as I did with the evil minions at Dell. I will rest when Citi is annihilated. Die Citi, die.