Lately I have been getting the funniest spam messages once a week. They are from some low budget dating service that somehow got the impression that I am 41 years old and looking for a woman from my area. Apparently they also think I am not very choosy also, as the pictures in the email I am getting are nothing but two dollar skanks. I am not trying to judge people by appearances either, but when all I have is a couple pictures and a meaningless 2 line bio what choice do I have?
I was thinking about these hilarious emails that I receive weekly when I went to Yahoo! games today to play some chess. Sure enough what advertisement pops up on the main page? Yahoo! personals. So I click on it and decide to see what fine honeys in my area are available. I am so glad I did, because I haven’t stopped laughing since.
I can’t even fathom what would possess these people to write some of the things they write. First there is this gem:
“I hear that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince.. so pucker up fellas!”
Wow, I need to call her right away. Seriously, who could possibly find this witty/profound enough to write in their personals. Would anyone call this girl? If this wasn’t bad enough her page was entitles “Wookin Fo Wub In All Da Wong Pwaces”. I may just do the world a favor and respond to her ad, act like I am her dream guy, take her on a nice date to Lake Erie State Park and fit her with some cement shoes. Akron would be a much better place if this woman were sleeping with the fishes.
Also funny are the girls who describe their body type as “a few extra pounds”. Every time I go to a concert or a nightclub anymore I see hundreds of fat chicks wearing belly shirts. What is the point you ask? All women think they are skinnier than they are, unless they actually are skinny, in which case they think they are fat. And since neither gender is known for telling the truth in an attempt to attract a mate we can safely determine that:
1. Any girl who says she is slim is actually average.
2. Any girl who says she is average is probably either slim (not too likely) or overweight (highly likely). They may actually just be average too, but that is unlikely since they would have said slim.
3. Any girl who says she has “a few extra pounds” really means a few hundred extra pounds.
What makes it all so hilarious is when you read what they are looking for in a man. They can specify the income their potential man should have, and it is inversely proportional to their listed weight. The “few extra (hundred) pounds” girls really don’t care about your income. The “average” girls are willing to accept anything but the lowest category (below $35k), and the slim girls only want the guys raking in 6 figures. The slim girls are very picky about all of their potential suitors’ attributes, where as the biggie sized females seem to be willing to reel in any fish they can hook.
All in all it is very much like someone found a way to capture the essence of a nightclub on the web. All the girls pretend they are much better looking than they are, and the ones who appear to be better are much more selective about which men they will talk to. Now if Yahoo! could just add in some loud dance tunes and find a way to spill Budweiser on you people could just spend their Friday nights browsing the old Yahoo! personals.